


Who The F*uck is Alice?

by smilejack95 (SmileJack95)



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Money, Transvestites, Yu-Gi-Oh Shin Duel Monsters II | Yu-Gi-Oh! The Duelists of the Roses, pageant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-09
Updated: 2014-04-09
Packaged: 2018-01-18 18:10:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1437763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmileJack95/pseuds/smilejack95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yami Bakura and Yami Malik are living together in a life of crime, and, unfortunately, poverty. In a desperate attempt to make some quick money, they turn to a beauty pageant sponsored by Seto Kaiba, with hopes to win. The only problem? It's for girls. The two criminals prepare for the contest of a lifetime, with little to no help on what to do. Rated for some mild language, just in case, and there will be OC's. AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Miss Priss 2006?

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! 

Chapter 1; Miss Priss 2006?

"We really need a project." Malik said, sighing, to his partner. Bakura leaned against the wall of the abandoned building they had become the inhabitants of. "We already robbed every worthwhile store around here. There's nothing left in this stupid town. I miss Egypt, there was so much work there." He said, his voice as calm and carefree as his leaning stance. The two stood in silence for a while, each trying to come up with something to do. Finally, Bakura gave in, and made for the door. "I'm going for a walk. I'll be back later." He said. Malik gave a small wave and sprawled in an old office chair, closing his eyes. Bakura rolled his eyes and left.

He walked for an hour, his eyes as blank as his mind; he had no idea where he was headed, and didn't care. He just needed to get out. Unfortunately, walking with your eyes closed on a sidewalk can cause some accidents, and cause on it did. He walked into a telephone pole. He stood, stunned for a moment, trying to get his bearings back. He glanced around, looking to see if anyone had seen his embarrassing misfortune. Nobody seemed to have noticed, or maybe they simply didn't care, so he brushed it off. He was about to continue on his quest for nothing, when a poster stapled to the pole caught his eye. He turned his full attention to it, and read;

 **Miss Priss 2006 Pageant!** **All girls ages 15 to 20 are invited to compete in this years' Miss Priss Pageant! This years' first prize is a MILLION DOLLARS, thanks to a generous donation from Kaiba Corp. Pick up applications in your favorite convenience shop.** "A Million dollars, huh?" He mused out loud. "Too bad we're guys, or else I'd so go for th-" He stopped himself as a thought hit him. A strange and unlikely thought, yes, but effective and full of potential. He tore the poster from the pole, folded it, and shoved it in his coat pocket. He proceeded to the corner store not ten meters from him, and went in. "Can I help you, sir?" The teenage girl behind the counter asked. Bakura smiled. "Yes, I'm here to pick up two applications for that Miss Priss whatever contest for my two sisters." The girl smiled and handed over two copies of the document. "Have a nice day!" She called behind him as he left. "Oh, I will now.." He said under his breath, and he walked back toward their temporary home.   



	2. No Way in HELL am I Wearing a Dress...

Who The Fuck Is Alice?

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!

 

________________________________________________________  
Chapter 2; No way in HELL am I wearing a dress...

"No! No, no, no, no! I refuse to take part in this little scheme of yours! It's degrading!" Malik shouted, glaring at his friend. "But it will work!" Bakura argued. "Oh, yes, I'm SURE noone will notice the manly shape and the lack of.. Female attributes." He said, furious. He sat in his chair again and stared daggers at Bakura, who simply sighed. "Look. We are both a decent height, and we both are pretty thin. We could pull it off, so long as we take care as to what we wear." "But we don't look like girls!" Malik argued. "I know we don't. But they all use that colorful stuff on their faces now to make them look better, so why can't we?" "Because I won't, for starters, and secondly, do you know how to put that stuff on right?" Bakura opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again, defeated. "No... I don't." He said, frowning. Then another thought hit him. "But I know how we can." "How?" Malik asked, almost hesitantly. 

"Easy!", Bakura replied, putting on his coat. "We'll go to one of those professionals to get it done. There are lots of ugly girls around here that get it done at those salon places!" Malik raised an eyebrow. "Alright then. Lets say I do go along with this. What happens if we lose, as we most undoubtedly will?" Bakura narrowed his eyes in thought. He hadn't taken losing as an option. But thankfully, once again his mind geared into overdrive, and he smiled. "One of us is bound to make it as far as the finals. Even if we lose, the one who was out first simply goes to the girl, as a guy of course, and bring her here. We break into her mind and make her give her winnings to us, and we let her go on living life with no recollection of anything." Malik got to his feet. "Don't you think people would think it odd that a young girl just signed over a million dollars to two strangers?" "Then we'll send her to the Shadow Realm, I don't know! I can only come up with so much on my own, Malik! I'd appreciate your input!" Bakura shot back, getting annoyed. Why did everything have to be so complicated with him?

Malik thought for a moment and smiled. "Why don't we cross that bridge when we get there?" Bakura smirked. "So you're in?" "I'm in", Malik replied. Bakuras' face lit up. "Then let's fill out these applications! First we'll need girl names. I think mine will be... Alice!" he said excitedly, scribbling on the paper. "Who the fuck is Alice?" Malik asked, confused. "It's me, you idiot. It's my girl name." Malik frowned. "Oh. Alright then... mine will be.. umm.." he looked around the room, and his eyes fell upon the window, where a light rain was making it foggy. "Misty.", He said, his voice holding a professional, serious tone. Bakura smiled. "Alice and Misty. Nice. We can just use our own last names." 

They continued to write in silence, when Malik cleared his throat. "What?" Bakura asked, thinking he was going to start another fight or find another flaw in the plan. "I just want to let you know in advance, that, under any circumstances, there is no way in HELL I am wearing a dress.", He stated matter-of-factly. Bakura tried to hold in his laughter as he mentally pictured his partner in crime strutting around in a pink and lacy gown...


	3. Hair, Nails and Makeup

**Who The Fuck Is Alice?** Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!

________________________________________________________

Chapter 3; Hair, Nails, and Makeup

 

They walked into the salon rather nervously. They had no idea what they were in for, and they weren't particularly looking forward to getting this phase of the plan done. The woman behind the counter looked at them and smiled. 'No doubt she thinks we're like those he-shes', Malik thought, frowning. "Welcome to All Done Up!" She said, her smile still wide across her face. "What can I for you?" She asked. Bakura stepped forward, smiling just a big. "We have an appointment." "Very well. What's the names, dears?" she asked, looking through various post-it notes and pages. "Alice and Misty." he replied. The woman kept rummaging for a moment, then pulled out a small yellow paper and grinned. "Ah, here you are!" she said. She wrote something down on the paper, and threw it back on the desk. "Ok, now you-" She pointed to Malik, "-Will be with Henry, our hairdresser, while you-" She moved her finger to Bakura now, "-Will be with Suzie, our makeup artist." She led them through a set of double doors into a kind of foyer, where two large sofas and some chairs were gathered around a coffee table. On the far wall on the other side of the room, there were 3 doors; each held a sign, and was labeled 'Hair', 'Makeup', and 'Tanning', in bright colors. The two boys looked at each other and gulped. This was going to be a long day...

 

Malik sat in a chair with a sink behind it, a towel draped over his shoulders, and a very large man in front of him, smiling and making little comments and ideas under his breath, while making half circles around Malik. He felt very uneasy sitting here and watching this very odd man act so... frighteningly friendly. Finally, this _Henry_ man, as they called him, stopped his pacing and muttering, and stated that he had a brilliant idea; Apparently, he was going to wash, cut, curl, and style his hair so he looked like some cute little girl. "I really don't think that cutting it is necessa-" Malik started, but was cut off by Henry forcing back the chair he was sitting in and starting the water in the sink. When Malik opened his mouth to protest, he was met with a faceful of hot water mixed with very sweet smelling shampoo. He gurgled and spluttered, trying to spit the very gross mixture from his mouth, but every time getting a new faceful. So he opted on just closing his mouth and waiting for Henry to finish. Finally, his hair clean, Malik's chair was raised back up to a sitting position, and Malik was able to spit out the shampoo and water. Henry laughed and started towel-drying Malik's hair roughly, causing several small outbursts of "Hey!" and "Watch what you're doing!" From the frustrated boy. He was moved to a different chair now, one that turned, and had a big mirror in front of it. Henry took the towel from his hair and tossed it into a hamper, picked up a comb, and proceeded to rake through Malik's hair, paying no attention to the cries of pain he was making. After his hair was tangle free, and Malik was sure he had no hair left to style, Henry picked up a pair of small and dainty scissors, ones that Malik was sure would never fit over the fingers of the very...robust... man in front of him. However, to Malik's great astonishment, they fit perfectly over his fingers, and he started clipping expertly into the sandy hair. Malik was very unhappy, but decided against interrupting, in case Henry poked him with the scissors. They did look sharp. Henry only trimmed his hair, though, and started rolling it in curlers. Malik watched in awe, like a small child, as Henry put about a dozen small pink curlers into his hair and they stayed there on their own. He was moved now from this hair, and put into one that had a large bowl looking thing above it, which was lowered down onto his head. Malik's eyes went wide, and he started trying to get up, but Henry laughed, and said, "It's just to dry your hair faster. It won't bite you!", and with that, he set the timer and walked away to sweep the hairs from the floor.

 

The noise of the dryer made Malik uneasy at first, but the warmth coming from it was relaxing, and he soon found himself drifting off to sleep. He was woken up by Henry, who was turning off the dryer. He led him back to the spinning chair, and started to take out the pink curlers. As he did so, Malik watched in awe yet again, as his normally straight hair was now full of very tight curls. "Just like magic!" Henry exclaimed, and Malik just nodded. When the look was successful, Henry explained that he was going to perm his hair so it would look like that for a long time. Meanwhile, Bakura was getting his nails done while Malik was with Henry. Suzie had started a set of gel nails, as she couldn't do his makeup until after his hair was done. Bakura watched as his fingers slowly turned beautiful, as each nail was secured in place by a strong smelling lacquer. Suzie was young, probably in her twenties, and she was very quiet. She hadn't tried to make conversation once, and when Bakura tried, she simply answered him, and nothing more. So he gave up, and concentrated on his fingers. When they were all done, and drying, Suzie started on his toes. She clipped the nails, massaged his feet, creamed them with floral smelling products, and then painted the nails. When that was done, and his nails were dry, he was told to just sit down and relax until his turn for hair came. He wasn't waiting long when Henry emerged with Malik, who actually bore a resemblance to a female with his new hair. Bakura gave him a small smile before he was led into the room Malik had just come from, and the same processes were repeated on the other. When both boys had the hair, hands and feet of young women, they were ready for part two; the waxing. Both were forced to strip down and climb under a towel as their backs, arms, legs, stomachs, hands, armpits, and most painfully, bikini zones, were stripped of hair. Screams of pain could be heard throughout the salon, and probably beyond. When they were allowed to dress again, they wore almost identical looks of pain and suffering. They finished putting their clothes on, and were ushered into the room with the tanning label. While Malik needed only enough to even his out, poor Bakura was sprayed thickly and evenly. They explained that a tanning bed could cause a sunburn when they were confused about how they could give a tan without the sun, and that with *Alice's* complexion, it would be much safer to spray them. They didn't object, and came out looking as if they indeed had been in the sun for a long time.

 

They were amazed. Finally, it was time for makeup. They were sat in chairs while Suzie gave them both the once over with liners, eye shadows, lip glosses, and even plucked their eyebrows. They had the option of purchasing those items from the salon, so they did, and paid close attention to how they were applied. Finally, after a very long day of unpleasantness, they headed back home. Two days from now were the preliminaries, and they still needed to shop. That would come tomorrow, and for now, they were just going to relax. They had a very strange day indeed.   



	4. Shoplifting/Shopping Spree!

** Who The Fuck Is Alice?  **

 

I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!

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Chapter 4; ~~Shoplifting~~ Shopping Spree!

 

Both Bakura and Malik were confident about the shopping part. They were very experienced thieves, after all. A few articles of clothing weren't in the same league as the gold and riches they'd lifted before. So when the next morning came, they left their home with smiles on their faces. Their hair had stayed in place, due to the fact that they refused to lay their heads on anything that posed a threat to the new curls. They had practised with the makeup for a while and managed to make it look half decent. They wore hoods to keep their hair a secret for the time being. Being a man with a girl's hair drew a certain degree of attention, which was not a good thing for the aspiring thief.

 

They visited several different shops dealing in women's clothing, and had a very hard time trying to figure out their sizes. After hiding many articles of girls's clothes inside men’s', they managed to figure out that both took a size 8 to 10. With this information in mind, they simply took what they pleased that was available in their size. By the end of the day, and many trips back home to stash the goods, they each had a full wardrobe. They decided to model their new clothes for each other, to get a feel of wearing these things. Bakura went first, changing into a knee-length, baby blue plaid skirt, and an argyle sweater to match. Malik smirked when his friend emerged from behind the wall he was using as a changing screen. "My, what lovely taste you have! You've done this before, haven't you?" Bakura frowned. "Oh, go to the Shadow Realm." He looked at himself in the mirror they had taken downstairs from a bathroom, and strode back behind the wall. After several more outfits, each complete with a sarcastic comment from Malik, Bakura gave up and told his smirking counterpart to try his own clothes on.

 

Malik took his bundle of clothes behind the wall and emerged moments later in a long peasant skirt in a pale shade of yellow. His shirt of choice seemed to belong with the skirt, for it was the same style and color. Bakura smiled, and nodded his approval. The process was repeated once again, each time with different clothing styles. "Aren't we diverse?" Bakura muttered, after Malik came out sporting a black leather skirt with a black belly top, just moments after trying on a pink mini dress. Malik smirked and finished his modeling. When all the clothes were put folded and put back, both boys were hit with the same thought; they had a problem.

 

"What about the..!?" they both said at the same time, each pointing to their chests. Bakura bit his lip. "We could stuff things in our shirts." Malik rolled his eyes. "And how do you propose they stay there?" He asked. Bakura started rummaging through his bundle of clothes and pulled out two bras. "I took these just in case." He said. "We can stuff socks or something into them." Malik laughed. "You really did think of everything.,” he said, taking one of the lacy undergarments from Bakura. "Tomorrow is the preliminaries. We need to be 100% sure we have everything covered." he said. "I can't believe I agreed to this..." Malik said, rubbing his temples. "Please, for the love of Ra, don't let us get caught..."


	5. ..Do We Have a talent?

Who The Fuck Is Alice?

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!

\---------------------------------------------

Chapter 5; ..Do we have a talent?

The day finally came; Preliminaries. Both boys were pumped for it, nervous and jittery with a hint of excitement. If they pulled this off, they would make so much money... They wouldn't need to steal food for a while, that's for sure! They dressed in silence, each paying close attention to their physical appearances, making sure they didn't miss anything that would make them seem even remotely male. The hair was set, the makeup in place, and they were dressed in the prelimary standards; Knee length skirts and sweaters. "Strange how they want us to dress in a sweater this time of year... It's quite warm." Malik started, trying to calm his nerves with conversation. Bakura just nodded, his face set with a look of, what Malik thought, was pure fear. He hadn't been like that when they were dressing, so why the change? Malik passed it off, and they finished their routine. When they were all set, they headed out the door. It was time.

The building the pageant was held in was a theatre, which was suiting, what with the stage and the numerous rows of seats. They were sent backstage with the other girls to get the pep talk and their instructions. When they walked into the dressing room, no one paid them any more attention than they did any other girl, so that was the start of a potentially good day. The *coach*, as he was called, was a very tall, thin man named Vincent. He seemed to have struck every girl's fancy, since all of them kept shooting lustful glances his way. And even though neither Bakura nor Malik was gay, they kind of had to agree with them. Vincent not only had the body all guys secretly dream of, but he had the looks of a porcelain doll; His pale white skin was very much contrasted with the rest of him. His eyes were a fierce shade of emerald green, his lips, which seemed to be in utterly perfect symmetry with each other, were dark. His hair was black. Not dyed black, but the natural black that causes that very attractive bluish shine under light. He had high cheekbones and a thin, oval face. And he must have stood at least 6''2, without the shoes he was wearing. He reminded Bakura of a vampire he had once seen on a movie poster, with his eerie good looks.

Vincent ignored the girls, though, but whether he was impatient with them or simply uninterested, noone could tell. He just paid no mind, and got on with his speech. He addressed each *girl* by their names, checked them off on a piece of paper, and started telling them the categories of the pageant. There was of course, the interview, the swimsuit competition, an evening gown presentation, where the gowns were provided, a dance number, and a talent show. Each would take place on a separate night, to make time for practices and preparations. His speech would have been boring, had anyone else given it. But Vincent was very charismatic, and animated. So people had to pay attention, if not to his words, then his actions. Either way, his point was put across. After the speech, it was time to meet the judges. They would give their positive motivation, and then a free breakfast. After all that, they were free to go until the next night. 

"Holy Ra, we don't have a second to say a word to each other!" Malik thought, shooting glances at Bakura, trying to get his attention. He wanted to ask him what their *talents* were. But before he could make any more attempts, they were shooed into the judge's hall. They gave a long, boring, drawn out lecture on proper etiquette, behaviors, acceptable talents, language, and so on. They said how they expected them all to be young ladies, polite and prim. Bakura smirked at this, and could have sworn he saw Malik do the same. Finally, the judges seemed to have run out of things to say. Or they could very well have run out of air, whichever came first. The breakfast was the final thing on today's agenda, which was a spread of buffet tables covered in more food than either boy had ever seen before. They were free to eat and leave, for there was nothing left to do. They each grabbed as much as they could carry, ate it, and went back for more, which they took home.

On the way back, Malik told Bakura of the talent problem. Bakura looked thoughtful for a moment before replying. "The only thing we are truly talented at is stealing, but we obviously can't use it. Can you do anything special?" he asked Malik. Malik shook his head. "Not that I can think of..." Bakura frowned, but it was instantly turned to a smile. "I've got it! You are really good at the whole hair thing! Style hair!" Malik raised an eyebrow. "I can do that?" "There are no rules saying you can't!" Bakura replied, happily. Malik smiled and nodded in agreement. "All right. I'll practice though. The only thing I'm really good at is this flippy thing-" he pointed to his own hair, which was still very curly from the perm, but pulled into a bun that resembled both a knot and a flip. It was very pretty. "But what about you?" He asked Bakura, who thought again. "Hm... I am very good with my hands- I'm quick, nimble.. And Ryou knows those silly card tricks! I bet I can -nudge- him into handing that talent over to me for a few days." Malik smirked. "You're evil." Bakura raised an eyebrow. "Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?" They both laughed, and headed home. Time to practice their talents...


	6. Practice Makes Perfect... Right?

Who The Fuck Is Alice?

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!

Chapter 6; Practice Makes Perfect... Right?

 

"I can't do this!" Malik exclaimed, his face set in a pout. He tried so many styles on Bakura, and yet none of them turned out the way he wanted them to. "You need to practice." Bakura said calmly, while practicing the card tricks with his capable hands. "Heh! Easy for you to say, you can already do yours!" Malik threw up his arms in frustration. " I can't do this... I WON'T do this! I've been at it for hours and nothing looks good..." He sat down on the floor and rubbed his temples. Bakura stood up and fixed his hair back to the original style. "I told you, you need to practice. You aren't going to get good in just a day." Malik looked up at him. "We don't have a lot of time for this. I'll have to find something else." 

After a very heated argument, Bakura emerged the winner. "There is still a week until the talent show. That will give you lots of time to practice. And I can help you. I already have mine down..." He said, smirking, as he held up a contorted fork. "What the Hell..?" Malik asked, confused and shocked. "Easy. Here.." He performed the trick, which amazed his friend. "Do THAT at the show!" Malik said, excited. Bakura smiled. "Oh, I intend to."

"So do we have anything to do today?" Malik asked. "No. Today there is nothing going on in the pageant. We can do whatever we want." Bakura answered, putting a deck of cards in his pocket. "So what are we going to do?" Bakura looked at him and smirked evilly. "What we do best, my friend. What we do best." They walked together into the city, visiting various shops and swiping whatever they liked. They particularly liked the jewelry sections, since they needed some decorations to go with their new girly clothes. They pick-pocketed a little, since it's always good to have some cash. Then they ran into someone unexpected. Vincent stood in front of them, looking at them with vague recognition. "Do I know you from somewhere?" he asked, looking at them closely. "No, I don't believe we've met before." Bakura said, and tried to walk past. Vincent was faster, though, and blocked his path. "But you look so familiar to me..." His eyes lit up and he snapped his fingers twice. "You look just like two girls in the pageant I'm coordinating!" Malik's eyes widened in horror, but Bakura just smiled. "Oh, you know our sisters." Vincent smiled. "Yeah, I guess so. Alice and Misty, right? Yeah. They look a lot like you guys." He said. Bakura felt Malik relax beside him. "Yep, those are our sisters." Vincent laughed. "It might be a bit bold of me to say to you two, but your sisters are knockouts!" Malik bit his lip to keep from laughing while Bakura allowed himself a small chuckle. "I'm sure they'd love a compliment like that." "Tell them I said it then. But tell them not to spread around that I said it... It might make the other girls jealous, you know? I mean, they keep ogling me! Truth be told, your sisters are the best looking in the whole rig. It wouldn't surprise me if one of them came out the winner. They sure have the potential. Just be sure to tell them to practice their talents. It makes all the difference in the world."

With that, Vincent clapped them on the shoulders and walked out behind them, leaving two very happy boys behind.


End file.
